He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
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I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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