I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
My feet surprised me
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