White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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