I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
