I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
