Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
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