dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
