Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
