He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
