I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
