How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Randomize
