Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Randomize
