Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
