we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
