How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
