I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
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