I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize
