i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Just invented taco cereal.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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