ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Randomize
