I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
