My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
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