i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
