Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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