Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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