My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
