Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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