You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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