got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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