I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
