Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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