I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
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