She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
