i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Randomize
