Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Randomize
