We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
