i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
this beer tastes like vomit already
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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