I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
