btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
