come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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