marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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