You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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