But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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