I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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