i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
