My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
