I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
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