people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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