I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
