i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
