Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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