yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
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