I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
