I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
