All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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