I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I didn't notice because vodka
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
