Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
