That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
