Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Randomize
